Cut the Crap #9 - Bloggers Who Don't Stay Up To Date

What is with some bloggers, right?

Like keep your blog up to date, are you kidding me?

You can't go weeks without a new post, that's just straight up disrespectful to readers.  People wanna hear your opinions on inane bullshit.  Get with the program.

Cut the crap, bloggers.

A Wager I Hope I Won't Regret...

Yesterday the crew and I were playing some routine FIFA (concentrating more on perfecting our celebrations than the actual game, of course) when I felt this surge of confidence start running through my veins.  I just felt flat-out ballsy.  And as Mr. Brightside can tell you, this is when even the best of men make some of the worst bets in life.

Now I kept in mind Brightside's recent wager over lefty, so I kept my cool and only placed a "gentlemen's bet" with our buddy Lurker.  

I bet that I would put up 14 goals on him in FIFA if he let me play as the "Classic XI" team.  

Any regular FIFA player knows that putting up 14 goals in a game in any situation is not an easy task, no matter what the matchup.  Things just have to flow for you.  You need absolute perfection.   

Normally, a gentlemen's bet isn't much to worry about.  It's just for bragging rights and such, but this case was different.  I was adamant about it, to the point of obscene cockiness.  But there's no going back now.  

Lefty's gonna be safe, but all of my dignity and respect is on the line here people.  Say a prayer.

We Like Funny People...And So Should You

So last Thursday night, Brightside, CaptainCasper, and I went to this TBS National College Comedy Competition between Tufts and MIT.  Our friend's brother is on the Tufts team, so we were there in full support of the Jumbos.  And let me tell ya....they were really funny.  The MIT kids...not so much.  But a few of the Tufts kids absolutely killed it on stage.

There's voting open online for people to vote tomorrow and Saturday...and we all want YOU TO VOTE TOO!  The videos of a few of our favorite performers from the night are below.

The link to the site to vote: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/college/standup/schools/Tufts

A Fight We'd Wanna See - Charlie Sheen vs. A Zombie Apocalypse

          VS.








Why We Wanna See It:  Who on Earth wouldn't want to see this?  It's like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.  You know Charlie's ready to go.  I think he'd be just like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, just absolutely tearing shit up all over the planet.  Just winning all over the place.

Who'd Win: The zombies, hands down.  Charlie'd last awhile, with all that tiger blood running through his veins, but in the end, the only thing that is more screwed up in the head than Sheen is a zombie.  When Sheen's done with all the alcohol and drugs, he'll cave.




-Major

Classic Movie Moment - How Bout Them Apples?

In honor of Red Sox Opening Day, I want to share with everyone one of my favorites Boston-movie scenes of all time.  This scene from Good Will Hunting just oozes Beantown.  You have Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, two Boston natives, talking smack at a bar with a bunch of stuck-up Hahvad kids. Matt Damon just rips the kid apaht, then gets the girls numbah.

And then comes one of the best lines in all of movie-making history:

Matt Damon: Do you like apples?
Hahvad Asshole: Yeah
Matt Damon: Well...I got her number.  How do you like them apples?

BOOM!

One of the best insults ever filmed in my opinion.  More people need to use it in real life.  I think I'm going to make that my goal for the weekend.  Find an appropriate situation to whip out the "how bout dem apples" expression and just bask in that moment of glory when it happens.



-Major

Happy Birthday MC Hammer!

MC Hammer is 48 today.  Happy Birthday big guy, still no one can touch you...except maybe Marky Mark who loves to just Feel It! Feel It!

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

We get it Mark, you're jacked.  Put a shirt on, please.  God bless the person who told Marky to stick to acting.  Is there footage from The Fighter in here? I wasn't sure.  Anyone want to bring back the "humping the ground" dance move?

Cut the Crap #6 - Walking on the Right Side

I've had a lot of requests to get this issue out in the open, and I couldn't agree more.  I guarantee all of you had experienced this grotesquely annoying problem:

Move to the right damnit!

You're walking around campus, maybe jamming out to some quality music, and then someone starts walking directly towards you from the other direction.  Now, being an intelligent and level-headed person, you are walking (correctly) on the right side of the path.  But this guy just comes strolling along at the speed of a hyena with no signs of moving to the other side.  Then comes the awkward moment when he finally sees you and he does this sort of awkward indecisive shuffle with his feet, and you barely avoid a full-fledged tackle in the middle of the pathway.

What is it with these people?  Is it not Walking 101 to always walk on the right side of a pathway/sidewalk?  And don't even get me started on the people who decide to use the left door when the right door is perfectly available to pass through.  It just screws up the entire system until someone comes along with enough stones to end the chaos and open that damned right door.

Cut the crap, uneducated and absent-minded people.



-Major

A Fight We'd Wanna See

                     VS.






Why We Wanna See It: This is a classic "win-win" situation.  You have two artists who no one wants to ever listen to ever again.  The result of this fight (hopefully a couple busted vocal chords) can only make the world a better place.  

Who Wins: Rebecca Black will take the cake in this fight.  As much as screaming thirteen year-old girls don't want to admit it, Bieber is kind of a pussy.  Black would win with a quick KO, Kimbo Slice v. Pink-Hair Man style.  And if she was being indecisive about where to punch Justin, Usher's dad could come to save the day.  Biebs only has Usher.  

-Major

Baby, It's Cold Outside...

It's spring and I want it to be warm so I can toss the friz outside without worrying about frostbite for Christ's sake.  Bring on the summer sun please.

Today's Forecast (Almost April?!) for Chestnut Hill, MA:

http://thefuckingweather.com/?zipcode=02467

Adam Morrison Has A Ring and LeBron Doesn't

How funny is this?  Adam Morrison, former Gonzaga Bulldog and Charlotte Bobcat, has a championship ring and "King James" doesn't.  Such as slap in the face for #6, right?  It's beautiful.

If Mascots Ruled the World...Part Deux

2-2 after the first four games ain't too shabby for picking these games using zero basketball intelligence.  I guess blue devils aren't as bad-ass as I thought (should've known), and apparently these are rabid huskies with a pack leader that no one is going to stop.

Let's see how todays games will pan out, once again, based on mascots alone...

(11) Marquette Golden Eagles v. (2) North Carolina Tar Heels

- Let's see, a bunch of guys with thick, sticky tar stuck to the bottom of their shoes versus a team full of vicious, swooping birds of prey.  Just doesn't seem fair does it?  Marquette by 3.

(12) Richmond Spiders v. (1) Kansas Jayhawks

- The jayhawk is quite possibly the most unthreatening creature known to man.  What kind of mascot smiles?! It's why Kansas perennially chokes.  Those birds have no fight or aggression in 'em.  When I think spiders, I think of spider bites, venom, and Tobey Maguire.  While Tobey may not exactly emulate aggression, I like Spiderman versus a fruit loops parrot wannabe any day.  Spiders by 4.

(4) Kentucky Wildcats v. (1) Ohio State Buckeyes

- I will not make the mistake of underestimating these glorified house-cats again.  Not that the buckeyes could ever win in a competition of mascots, considering a buckeye is a type of tree.  Wildcats scratch these buckeyes all night long.  Kentucky by 8.

(11) Virginia Commonwealth Rams v. (10) Florida State Seminoles

- This is hands down the matchup of the night.  Raging Indians (Native Americans, sorry everyone) versus raging rams.  If seminoles could take down buffalo, then I'd have to believe rams wouldn't be any different.  I'll have to go Seminoles in a close one, with a lot of losses on both sides. Florida State by 2.

If Mascots Ruled the World...

My picks for the first four Sweet 16 games tonight...based on mascots alone.

(2) San Diego State Aztecs v. (3) UConn Huskies

- Close matchup, but in the end human intelligence prevails.  Aztecs take the W with a couple of late spear throws to the heart of the Uconn players. San Diego State by 2.  

(3) BYU Cougars v. (2) Florida Gators

- Talk about a toss up.  Gators have sheer force and strength on their side, while the cougars have speed and agility.  But can cougars fight in water? No.  Sorry Jimmer, Gators by 7.  

(5) Arizona Wildcats v. (1) Duke Blue Devils

- I'm not exactly sure what Blue Devils are, but there is no doubt that they can take down a bunch of glorified house-cats.  Duke by 15.

(8) Butler Bulldogs v. (4) Wisconsin Badgers

- Would a badger defeat anything in this tournament? I mean, come on, out of all the ferocious members of the animal kingdom you pick an ugly hybrid of a skunk and raccoon?  Plus, don't forget these bulldogs are experienced fighters.  Bulldogs by 5.

- Major

Cut the Crap #5 - Seattle's "12th Man"

Is this what it's come to for Seahawks fans?  You have no talented enough player to represent your team on the Madden cover, so your representative is the friggin' fanbase?  What is that shit?  Every other team in the league was able to scrap up a player to submit for the cover, even the pathetic likes of Oakland and San Francisco.

You made the playoffs for Christ's sake!  Marshawn Lynch made a
legend of himself with
that insane run.
He should be the guy.
No arguments.

See what I'm saying?

Fans are fans.  Every team has them.  They're all drunk, loud, and obnoxious.  Don't try telling me your fans are drunker, louder, and more obnoxious in Seattle.

Cut the crap, Seahawks.





- Major

Top Ten Disney Channel Original Movies

Remember when you thought these movies were better than sex? Yeah, me neither.


Let's do it.


10) Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire - Van Helsing Jr. basically, right?  Just barely reaches the top 10, but it made the cut for being without a doubt better than Twilight. Sorry ladies, the truth hurts.


9) Phantom of the Megaplex -  Basic plot: There's a sabateur on the loose just absolutely wrecking shit in the movie theatre. Kid saves the day, gets the girl.  Good 'ole Mickey Rooney guest stars basically as his old, senile self.  Solid movie, but nothing too special about it.


8) My Date With the President's Daughter - It's got Eric Matthews in it.  Enough said, right?  No, it gets better: that girl was a friggin smokeshow.  Fun Fact: the smokeshow was in Boy Meets World for an episode and tried to get with Cory! Mindfuck.

7) The Paper Brigade - Remember the days when teenage boys delivered newspapers on bicycles? Yea, me neither. My closest recollection is playing Paperboy on my Sega Genesis. Anyway, this is one of the best, and earliest, of the Disney channel originals. The crazy paintball-wielding old man and shenanigans of the kids make this one of my all time favorites. Check out the whole final scene, and note the line “I just put two bucks [of gas] into this thing. Remember when that was a lot of gas? Yea, me neither. 

6) Don't Look Under the Bed - This movie is down-right creepy as hell.  You have this imaginary friend-turned-boogeyman who's trying to kill you.  Really Walt?  Thanks for all the sleepless nights, bro.


5) Smart House - Same kid from Luck of the Irish does it again.  Two movies in the Top 5, what a stud.  We all loved it since we all secretly wished some provocative woman/machine/house would make us shit on cue.


4) Brink - The staff just had a re-viewing recently of this movie.  It's filled with sexual innuendos.  Asshole on Team X-Blades while threatening Team Pup N' Suds: "It's gonna be open season on your butts!" Hilarious.


3) Johnny Tsunami - Three Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Being Hawaiian makes you a BAMF, especially if you end up in a lame state like Vermont
- You're not a good snowboarder without sick snowboarding clothes
- In the end, snowboarders get the poon, while skiers just look gay


2) Luck of the Irish - The stud Irish high school basketball player overcomes all odds against that douchebag Irish guy who's way too full of himself. Plus Irish Olympics FTW.


1) Halloweentown - This movie just flat-out killed it.  Everyone and their mother watched this movie.  Instant classic.  Drama, horror, comedy... It had it all.  The skeleton cab driver stole the show in my opinion.


Universally Agreed Worst Disney Channel Original Movie: The Color of Friendship -Please Walt, please don't try and preach to me in my Disney Originals. I was 10 and even I knew this shit was overtly trying to get me to broaden my horizons


- The Major, Mr. Brightside, and The HoundDog (Yeah we tag-teamed the fuck out of these Disney movies no homo)

Is Crying Ever Okay in Professional Sports?

The recent watery-eyed meltdowns by various Miami Heat members had me thinking: Is crying in professional sports ever okay?

You see players crying in sports games starting from a young age.  Some obnoxious, spoiled kid on my 7 vs 7  soccer team would always be in the parking lot after losing a game, balling his eyes out, and in between the sobs saying, "But I'm the coaches son, why didn't they pass to meeeee?"  I couldn't stand that immature bullshit back then, and I still can't stand it now.

I think there are some situations when crying is acceptable (even expected) in the sports kingdom.  Most of the time though, these crying athletes gotta lay of the Midol and act with some dignity.

Here are two examples of when crying is okay:

1) Adam Morrison crying on the court after losing to UCLA in NCAA March Madness.

I was always a big Adam Morrison fan so I remember watching this game live and watching as Morrison absolutely broke down after his team blew the lead and lost by a bucket.  Watch at 0:10 for Morrison's reaction.  He got a lot of shit for crying, but I support him (The pubey snake on his upper lip I don't support however.) It was a meaningful game.  That was his last chance at March Madness supremacy and he lost a game that he had in the bag.

2) The Celtics crying after losing Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals.

I mean, what else would you expect them to do?  If any player on any team is in that situation isn't crying, then something is wrong with them.  The Celts gave their all and left everything on the court.  Of course they were upset.  A rapist just got his fifth ring, I think God was even crying after that game.

To sum it up:  The Heat are embarrassing themselves.  Unless you just lost one of the biggest games of your career, there's excuse for crying.  Pull your shit together.

Weekend Highlights:

1) Lebron's crying!
2) Celtics are streaking!
3) BC's Dancing?
4) Sucks to be Brandon Davies...but at least he got some!
5) Charlie Sheen for President!

Falling Down in Public Areas

So I'm gonna share something extremely personal right here, right now, for your entertainment:

I was walking up the steps near our campus library, and just absolutely ate it.  Out of nowhere, my boot catches the top of a step and I'm on the freaking ground in less than a second.  And this wasn't one of those graceful falls where you kind of keep going with the flow of your walk and act like it didn't happen.  This was a bad one.  This was a backpack-comes-over-the-top-of-your-head-as-you-lay-on-the-ground-for-a-second-contemplating-whether-it's-even-worth-getting-up-because-of-the-possible-embarrassment type of fall.  I stood up, laughed at myself, and kept going hoping that no one that I knew well had seen.  For the twenty or so people around that did see: I just conceded the fact that I lost twenty potential friends.

This made me think about how people react when they witness someone fall.  There's a couple types of reactions.

1) The "Are you okay?" Fall - This happens when someone either slips on ice or something else that was not directly their fault.  Because of this, the witness to the fall is not worried about causing further embarrassment by acknowledging it, and politely asks if the victim is alright.

2) The "I didn't see that, because if you know I saw it, then you'll feel even worse about yourself" Fall - This happens when a person just completely wipes out.  We're talking my kind of fall.  A fall where people just feel bad when they see you, so to make you feel less bad they pretend they didn't see you.  At first this seems rude.  Ignoring a person who just felt the ground rub against their face.  But unless they're visibly bleeding or spasming on the ground, it's better to just pretend it never happened.


- The Major

Stat And Melo, Stat and Melo

Wow! Have you heard about the Miami Heat!  They're a tremendous 4-9 against the NBA's top 8 teams! Wow! Amazing! How fantastic!  What talents there are in South Beach! Awe-inspiring!  Delectable!

Ha.  Funny, right?  Here's a reality check for the Miami Heat: You're still awful, and you should be extremely worried about your chances in the postseason.  You shouldn't be considered a "team," but just a group of statistic-driven and vain ball-whores.

And how bout them Knicks?  I'm a Boston fan, yes, but I have to admit I like the swag of this Knicks team.  They're fun to watch.

So here's a rare shout-out to New Yorkers.  It's all about Stat and Melo now.  Enjoy it.

Cut the Crap #3 - Pizza Pies

Okay, so there's this issue that keeps coming up with me and the bros.  Some of my friends from Jersey (insert insulting Jersey joke here) think that when they order pizzas, they're supposed to call them pizza "pies."  Funny, right? I mean, how ridiculous is that?  Since when did pizzerias become freaking bakeries?  Are you gonna order a pepperoni pizza pie with a side of danishes?  Honestly, they're called pizzas.  No pies are involved in any way, shape, or form.  Still not convinced?  Go to any authentic italian restaurant and look at a menu.  You won't find the word "pie" anywhere but the Desserts section.

Cut the crap, Jersey.




- Major