Cut the Crap #9 - Bloggers Who Don't Stay Up To Date

What is with some bloggers, right?

Like keep your blog up to date, are you kidding me?

You can't go weeks without a new post, that's just straight up disrespectful to readers.  People wanna hear your opinions on inane bullshit.  Get with the program.

Cut the crap, bloggers.

Cut the Crap #8 - MBTA Woes

There are a lot of things I love about Boston; Bodega, Newbury Street, and the college scene. These things would all be so much better if I could travel to them in a cheap and efficient manner. Too bad the MBTA blows. 


The T is wonderfully cheap, but has no schedule whatsoever, often leaving me to sit at the Reservoir stop for at least fifteen minutes. The ride from there on isn't TERRIBLE until you get to Kenmore and you lose all cell service and the T starts doing pterodactyl screeches at every turn. Thank god I stay on the Green Line for the most part so I don't have to endanger my safety on the sketchy-ass stops on the Red and Orange Lines. 


The MBTA crappyness does not end there. 


The Major, Capt. Casper, and I hit up the 86 bus from Reservoir to Harvard Square the other day. Aside from the bus being 20 minutes late, we found out that it runs on a system similar to that of the "blue light" system at BC. You can literally see the next stop from the prior stop. How lazy does the MBTA think everyone is? This isn't the South, we enjoy getting places promptly. If I can sprint from Conte Forum to the College Road bus stop after a hockey game, people can certainly afford to have stops at least 4 blocks away from each other. 


Cut the crap, MBTA.

Cut the Crap #7- Jorts

I’m just throwing this out there to help out my fellow brethren. Do not wear Jorts (you see what I did there, I combined “jeans” and “shorts”). I know jeans are the perfect leg-wear for almost any climate, but when you take off the bottom half of the legs, you turn into a tool. Whether its Gucci shorts, jorts that were once jeans, or the infamous bjorts (black+jean+shorts, pronounced be-YORTS), wearing them makes you look like you belong on COPS, sporting a wolf t-shirt and a dirty trucker hat, and living in a house on wheels. There are so many other options of summer pant-wear to chose from. Basketball shorts are casual and comfy, cargos may have inhibited hand jobs since Nam but they’re better than jorts, and the pastel Bro shorts are also infinitely better, just to name a few. 


The only people that should be allowed to wear jean shorts are women (see Jessica Simpson in The Dukes of Hazard).

-Mr. Brightside

Cut the Crap #6 - Walking on the Right Side

I've had a lot of requests to get this issue out in the open, and I couldn't agree more.  I guarantee all of you had experienced this grotesquely annoying problem:

Move to the right damnit!

You're walking around campus, maybe jamming out to some quality music, and then someone starts walking directly towards you from the other direction.  Now, being an intelligent and level-headed person, you are walking (correctly) on the right side of the path.  But this guy just comes strolling along at the speed of a hyena with no signs of moving to the other side.  Then comes the awkward moment when he finally sees you and he does this sort of awkward indecisive shuffle with his feet, and you barely avoid a full-fledged tackle in the middle of the pathway.

What is it with these people?  Is it not Walking 101 to always walk on the right side of a pathway/sidewalk?  And don't even get me started on the people who decide to use the left door when the right door is perfectly available to pass through.  It just screws up the entire system until someone comes along with enough stones to end the chaos and open that damned right door.

Cut the crap, uneducated and absent-minded people.



-Major

Cut the Crap #5 - Seattle's "12th Man"

Is this what it's come to for Seahawks fans?  You have no talented enough player to represent your team on the Madden cover, so your representative is the friggin' fanbase?  What is that shit?  Every other team in the league was able to scrap up a player to submit for the cover, even the pathetic likes of Oakland and San Francisco.

You made the playoffs for Christ's sake!  Marshawn Lynch made a
legend of himself with
that insane run.
He should be the guy.
No arguments.

See what I'm saying?

Fans are fans.  Every team has them.  They're all drunk, loud, and obnoxious.  Don't try telling me your fans are drunker, louder, and more obnoxious in Seattle.

Cut the crap, Seahawks.





- Major

Cut the Crap #4 - SparkNotes Summaries

Hey SparkNotes writers, who are you trying to impress? Your target audience is young adults who are pressed for time and are trying to get the basic understanding of the reading they were supposed to do last week. So why are you writing like you’re submitting this to your editor at the New Yorker?

Like look at this verbose bullshit:

"From this provocative opening, Rousseau goes on to describe the myriad ways in which the 'chains' of civil society suppress the natural birthright of man to physical freedom."

Are you kidding me? “Provocative opening”, like was this shit before the comma even necessary? The reader doesn’t give a shit if there’s a smooth transition in there or not. You could write this in bulleted, fragmented sentences and no one would care.

And then “the myriad ways.” I’m surprised whoever’s typing this can use a computer because I’m pretty sure myriad has been outdated since the moon landing. What’s the matter, “many” or “several” wasn’t good enough for you?

So please, SparkNotes staff writers, will you accept the fact that you’re not the next Dickens and write a concise summary for me? The last thing I want to do when I have ten minutes until my reading quiz is pull out my thesaurus, mosey on over to the “m” section, and see who or what a myriad is. 

Cut the crap, SparkNotes. 

- Contributed by The HoundDog

Mr. Brightside's Rebuttal to "Cut the Crap #3"

Mr. Brightside's Take on Pizza Pies:

As a pizza messenger expert, mastering my profession at Sopranos Pizzeria in New Milford, NJ, I can affirm that it is in fact proper to refer to pizza as “pies”.  After all, you get a slice of pizza and of course the slice is part of the whole pie.

When we were posed with the problem of a caller asking for “two cheese pizzas”, our call girl was puzzled. Frantic, she put in the order for 2 pies, thinking these people must just be whack. After reading the lady the total of the order, the caller said it couldn’t be right. Apparently she was looking to buy 2 slices of pizza. Besides wanting to avoid this general confusion, we use the term “pies”.

I have a better idea: since any pizza not within the tri-state area, Chicago, or occasional hole-in-the-wall joint in the North End of Boston is legit shit on a plate, from now let the term “pizza pie” denote pizza that is actually consumable and doesn’t make me want to wish I was a bitch and ordered a salad from the pizzeria. 

DISCLAIMER: DOMINOS, PAPER JOHN’S, AND PIZZA HUT DOES NOT COUNT AS GOOD PIZZA. IT’S THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.

Cut the Crap #3 - Pizza Pies

Okay, so there's this issue that keeps coming up with me and the bros.  Some of my friends from Jersey (insert insulting Jersey joke here) think that when they order pizzas, they're supposed to call them pizza "pies."  Funny, right? I mean, how ridiculous is that?  Since when did pizzerias become freaking bakeries?  Are you gonna order a pepperoni pizza pie with a side of danishes?  Honestly, they're called pizzas.  No pies are involved in any way, shape, or form.  Still not convinced?  Go to any authentic italian restaurant and look at a menu.  You won't find the word "pie" anywhere but the Desserts section.

Cut the crap, Jersey.




- Major

Cut the Crap #2 - Melo's Elbow

All Melo did was hit his freaking funny bone last night.  Everyone needs to chill the hell out, he'll live.  Stop treating it like he was shot in a World World I trench fight.

Cut the crap people.

-Major

Cut the Crap #1 - Texting Slash Grammar Issues

Some shit just really bugs me.  I can let a lot of things go, but some stuff just really pets my peeve.  I get a text message the other day from this girl I know after I asked her what's up.  This is what she replies: "Not too much, just really stressed slash busy doing work."  Hold up.  Did she just write out "slash"?  Is she serious?  "Slash" is a symbol, right?  It should be "Not too much, just really stressed/busy doing work."  It just doesn't make any sense to me.  It takes more effort to write out a word than to put one friggin' symbol in a text, right?

Our parents and teachers judge our generation for all the texting we do every day.  Don't help them out slash fuel their fire.

Cut the crap people.