Cut the Crap #5 - Seattle's "12th Man"

Is this what it's come to for Seahawks fans?  You have no talented enough player to represent your team on the Madden cover, so your representative is the friggin' fanbase?  What is that shit?  Every other team in the league was able to scrap up a player to submit for the cover, even the pathetic likes of Oakland and San Francisco.

You made the playoffs for Christ's sake!  Marshawn Lynch made a
legend of himself with
that insane run.
He should be the guy.
No arguments.

See what I'm saying?

Fans are fans.  Every team has them.  They're all drunk, loud, and obnoxious.  Don't try telling me your fans are drunker, louder, and more obnoxious in Seattle.

Cut the crap, Seahawks.





- Major

Top Ten Disney Channel Original Movies

Remember when you thought these movies were better than sex? Yeah, me neither.


Let's do it.


10) Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire - Van Helsing Jr. basically, right?  Just barely reaches the top 10, but it made the cut for being without a doubt better than Twilight. Sorry ladies, the truth hurts.


9) Phantom of the Megaplex -  Basic plot: There's a sabateur on the loose just absolutely wrecking shit in the movie theatre. Kid saves the day, gets the girl.  Good 'ole Mickey Rooney guest stars basically as his old, senile self.  Solid movie, but nothing too special about it.


8) My Date With the President's Daughter - It's got Eric Matthews in it.  Enough said, right?  No, it gets better: that girl was a friggin smokeshow.  Fun Fact: the smokeshow was in Boy Meets World for an episode and tried to get with Cory! Mindfuck.

7) The Paper Brigade - Remember the days when teenage boys delivered newspapers on bicycles? Yea, me neither. My closest recollection is playing Paperboy on my Sega Genesis. Anyway, this is one of the best, and earliest, of the Disney channel originals. The crazy paintball-wielding old man and shenanigans of the kids make this one of my all time favorites. Check out the whole final scene, and note the line “I just put two bucks [of gas] into this thing. Remember when that was a lot of gas? Yea, me neither. 

6) Don't Look Under the Bed - This movie is down-right creepy as hell.  You have this imaginary friend-turned-boogeyman who's trying to kill you.  Really Walt?  Thanks for all the sleepless nights, bro.


5) Smart House - Same kid from Luck of the Irish does it again.  Two movies in the Top 5, what a stud.  We all loved it since we all secretly wished some provocative woman/machine/house would make us shit on cue.


4) Brink - The staff just had a re-viewing recently of this movie.  It's filled with sexual innuendos.  Asshole on Team X-Blades while threatening Team Pup N' Suds: "It's gonna be open season on your butts!" Hilarious.


3) Johnny Tsunami - Three Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Being Hawaiian makes you a BAMF, especially if you end up in a lame state like Vermont
- You're not a good snowboarder without sick snowboarding clothes
- In the end, snowboarders get the poon, while skiers just look gay


2) Luck of the Irish - The stud Irish high school basketball player overcomes all odds against that douchebag Irish guy who's way too full of himself. Plus Irish Olympics FTW.


1) Halloweentown - This movie just flat-out killed it.  Everyone and their mother watched this movie.  Instant classic.  Drama, horror, comedy... It had it all.  The skeleton cab driver stole the show in my opinion.


Universally Agreed Worst Disney Channel Original Movie: The Color of Friendship -Please Walt, please don't try and preach to me in my Disney Originals. I was 10 and even I knew this shit was overtly trying to get me to broaden my horizons


- The Major, Mr. Brightside, and The HoundDog (Yeah we tag-teamed the fuck out of these Disney movies no homo)

If The NBA Made Sense

You think these things are loosing to some deer?

Have you ever been frustrated by the result of an NBA game? Not because you’re a fan of one of the teams or your favorite player had a bad shooting day. I’m talking about when the result doesn’t make sense.  Like when Milwaukee beats Toronto by double figures. Cause I mean that doesn’t make sense. No way a bunch of deer could take down a gang of Velociraptors, who basically ran shit in the cretaceous period, let alone beat them handedly. I could see if maybe the bucks used their horns and got a couple of lucky take downs at the beginning and made the game close, but no way a raptor loses to an animal who can't even cross the street without dying.


Check back during playoff time for the bracket breakdown, bros.


- Contributed by the HoundDog

Is Crying Ever Okay in Professional Sports?

The recent watery-eyed meltdowns by various Miami Heat members had me thinking: Is crying in professional sports ever okay?

You see players crying in sports games starting from a young age.  Some obnoxious, spoiled kid on my 7 vs 7  soccer team would always be in the parking lot after losing a game, balling his eyes out, and in between the sobs saying, "But I'm the coaches son, why didn't they pass to meeeee?"  I couldn't stand that immature bullshit back then, and I still can't stand it now.

I think there are some situations when crying is acceptable (even expected) in the sports kingdom.  Most of the time though, these crying athletes gotta lay of the Midol and act with some dignity.

Here are two examples of when crying is okay:

1) Adam Morrison crying on the court after losing to UCLA in NCAA March Madness.

I was always a big Adam Morrison fan so I remember watching this game live and watching as Morrison absolutely broke down after his team blew the lead and lost by a bucket.  Watch at 0:10 for Morrison's reaction.  He got a lot of shit for crying, but I support him (The pubey snake on his upper lip I don't support however.) It was a meaningful game.  That was his last chance at March Madness supremacy and he lost a game that he had in the bag.

2) The Celtics crying after losing Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals.

I mean, what else would you expect them to do?  If any player on any team is in that situation isn't crying, then something is wrong with them.  The Celts gave their all and left everything on the court.  Of course they were upset.  A rapist just got his fifth ring, I think God was even crying after that game.

To sum it up:  The Heat are embarrassing themselves.  Unless you just lost one of the biggest games of your career, there's excuse for crying.  Pull your shit together.

Weekend Highlights:

1) Lebron's crying!
2) Celtics are streaking!
3) BC's Dancing?
4) Sucks to be Brandon Davies...but at least he got some!
5) Charlie Sheen for President!

Green Street Hooligans - Fútbol at its Finest

If you think Jets fans are fuckin nuts for kickin the piss out of people every now and then, the hooligans of soccer oversees make them look like families following the parade at Disney World.

Green Street Hooligans, starring Elijah Wood (yes, Frodo), highlights the groups of fans (firms) that follow their respective soccer (football?) team. I used to be very skeptical about soccer, only becoming an occasional fan every 4 years for the world cup. But after seeing this movie, I couldn’t help but want to get sucked into this whole culture that soccer has become oversees.

In light of the bullshit circus that the NBA has become with stars whining their ways to the big markets, the threat of a lockout in the NFL thanks to Reich leader Goodell, and the asterisk and steroid filled shit show of MLB, I find the passion and ardor that fans of all teams in the Premier League (England), Serie A (Italy), La Liga (Spain), Bundesliga (Germany), and League Un (France) refreshing and inspiring. Another great part of international soccer is that clubs are allowed to send players on loans, AKA how we received David Beckham. Players don’t bitch and tweet until they get a contract in Milan or Madrid. You go and chill with Christiano Ronaldo in Madrid for 6 months, make some bank, then maybe go back to the Premier League to get torched by Carlos Tevez.

My favorite part of European soccer, without a doubt, is the UEFA Champions League. You don’t get the horse and pony show of most all-star games but instead a tournament of the best teams from all over the continent is held over the course of the regular season in an attempt to find the best team in the world’s most popular sport.

Behind the stars and logos of European soccer, the true backbone of this sport more than any other is the fan base. This movie can’t do justice to the tradition and passion, but it’s a great way to get an idea of how underappreciated soccer is in the US.


- Contributed by Mr. Brightside

Cut the Crap #4 - SparkNotes Summaries

Hey SparkNotes writers, who are you trying to impress? Your target audience is young adults who are pressed for time and are trying to get the basic understanding of the reading they were supposed to do last week. So why are you writing like you’re submitting this to your editor at the New Yorker?

Like look at this verbose bullshit:

"From this provocative opening, Rousseau goes on to describe the myriad ways in which the 'chains' of civil society suppress the natural birthright of man to physical freedom."

Are you kidding me? “Provocative opening”, like was this shit before the comma even necessary? The reader doesn’t give a shit if there’s a smooth transition in there or not. You could write this in bulleted, fragmented sentences and no one would care.

And then “the myriad ways.” I’m surprised whoever’s typing this can use a computer because I’m pretty sure myriad has been outdated since the moon landing. What’s the matter, “many” or “several” wasn’t good enough for you?

So please, SparkNotes staff writers, will you accept the fact that you’re not the next Dickens and write a concise summary for me? The last thing I want to do when I have ten minutes until my reading quiz is pull out my thesaurus, mosey on over to the “m” section, and see who or what a myriad is. 

Cut the crap, SparkNotes. 

- Contributed by The HoundDog