Stat And Melo, Stat and Melo

Wow! Have you heard about the Miami Heat!  They're a tremendous 4-9 against the NBA's top 8 teams! Wow! Amazing! How fantastic!  What talents there are in South Beach! Awe-inspiring!  Delectable!

Ha.  Funny, right?  Here's a reality check for the Miami Heat: You're still awful, and you should be extremely worried about your chances in the postseason.  You shouldn't be considered a "team," but just a group of statistic-driven and vain ball-whores.

And how bout them Knicks?  I'm a Boston fan, yes, but I have to admit I like the swag of this Knicks team.  They're fun to watch.

So here's a rare shout-out to New Yorkers.  It's all about Stat and Melo now.  Enjoy it.

Cut the Crap #3 - Pizza Pies

Okay, so there's this issue that keeps coming up with me and the bros.  Some of my friends from Jersey (insert insulting Jersey joke here) think that when they order pizzas, they're supposed to call them pizza "pies."  Funny, right? I mean, how ridiculous is that?  Since when did pizzerias become freaking bakeries?  Are you gonna order a pepperoni pizza pie with a side of danishes?  Honestly, they're called pizzas.  No pies are involved in any way, shape, or form.  Still not convinced?  Go to any authentic italian restaurant and look at a menu.  You won't find the word "pie" anywhere but the Desserts section.

Cut the crap, Jersey.




- Major

Mike Tyson's Pigeon Fetish?

Few people are surrounded with as much drama as Charlie Sheen. While Dirty Chuck has had a string of coke induced porn star parties this past year, it's nothing compared to Mike Tyson's numerous unbelievable escapades throughout his whole life; Biting Holyfield’s ear, saying he wants to eat Lenox Lewis’ children, tattooing his face, Tupac getting killed after his fight, giving a memorable performance in The Hangover, and telling a man he’ll “eat his asshole out alive” (his best lines are shown in this 6 minute clip of Tyson-isms ). Now we’ll see how the man became a beast on The Animal Planet’s (what???) new show titled Taking On Tyson. Watch the trailer for the series on the show’s homepage, noting the reason he started fighting…keep in mind we’re talking about the same man who bit off Holyfield’s ear and wanted to eat children.

- Contributed by Mr. Brightside

Random English Premier League Athlete of the Day: Yaya Touré

Yeah that's right, Yaya Touré.  That's this guy's legit name.  And not only is his name the fucking tits, but he lights shit up on the pitch for Manchester City.  He plays alongside his brother Kolo Touré, so in order to make things less confusing, they both play with their full names on the back of their jerseys.  It's perfect:  He gets to have "Yaya" on his back all game.


Naturally I had to buy his jersey, right?  Did I buy his jersey online through some very questionable asian website? Yes.  Did it only cost $15 bucks? Yes.  Did I have to order an "Asian Adult XXL"? Yes.


Completely worth it.  


- The Major

Cut the Crap #2 - Melo's Elbow

All Melo did was hit his freaking funny bone last night.  Everyone needs to chill the hell out, he'll live.  Stop treating it like he was shot in a World World I trench fight.

Cut the crap people.

-Major

Mr. Brightside's Movie Review of the Week: Pirates of the Caribbean

It’s hard for me not to talk about Pirates of the Caribbean with fervor and zeal as if it was my own child. My three friends and I back at home try to emulate the swag of Captain Jack by memorizing most of the lines from the trilogy and live by the motto “The Code is law.” In short, it’s pretty fuckin awesome.

Going back to this idea of the pirate code, I can’t help but to see the stark resemblance to what we all refer to as “The Bro Code.” After a little bit of investigation into some actual pirate codes, I present to you some pretty striking correlations between the two laws of life. (Bro Code in bold, pirate code in italics)

“He that sees a Sail first, shall have the best Pistol or Small Arm aboard of her.”  “If a bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.”


Both cases present pressing situations for both parties; the pirates are always looking for people to fuck up, bros are always looking to get fucked up.

“No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man were to be found seducing any of the latter sex, and carried her to sea, disguised, he was to suffer death.”  “No sex with your Bro's ex. It is never ever permissible for a Bro to sleep with his Bro’s ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a Bro. Dicks before Chicks. Nuff said.”

If by chance you’ve been held political prisoner or live in the boonies of Montana and have not seen any part of the Pirates trilogy, you might wanna get on seeing this film (yes film, not movie. It’s that sophisticated).

-Contributed by Mr. Brightside

Just Jimmer It

One of the biggest games of the NCAA Basketball regular season is tomorrow.  I doubt anyone would’ve guessed it would be between two teams from the Mountain West Conference. I mean, does anyone even watch that shit? Before this year, no one bothered with the Mountain West. Why are people watching now? Because BYU's Jimmer Fredette went ape shit all over the NCAA.  


The game between #7BYU and #4San Diego State will be a showdown between the two powerhouses this season from the Mountain West.


Jimmer Fredette has taken over ESPN highlights this year, and there have been a lot of talks about how early in the NBA draft he will go. I remember when he was in high school and he played against my school. Everyone would talk about whether Jimmer could make it to the NBA. Most said he was too slow, too short, and too white. 


This is a valid point because, seriously, how many white people do you see in the NBA? Jason Kidd doesn't even count because even he's half-black. I mean, other than Dirk and Nash, I can’t think of many more - no one decent at least.   

Jimmer Fredette is on track to be National Player of the Year, and he should be. He is averaging 27.4 ppg and has only scored under 20 points three times this year. He shoots 90% from the free throw line and fucking kills it from behind the arc, and if you’ve seen any highlights you know "behind the arc" includes anywhere over half court.  For all his contributions to his team, he is clearly the most valuable player in all the NCAA. 


Tomorrow when BYU takes on San Diego State University, all eyes will be on Jimmer. A win, and they should undoubtedly be considered for a number one seed for the NCAA tournament.


- Contributed by CaptainCasper

The "Holding the Door" Problem

Everyone knows this feeling.  You're walking into a building and you open the door, but you see someone on their way towards the door also.  But when they're not immediately behind you, what do you freaking do?  Do you wait the few seconds until they reach the door?  Or do you just walk right on in, pretending you didn't see them behind you?  It's a tough and awkward situation.

Is there some sort of distance requirement?  "If the person is 10 feet or less away from the door, you must wait and hold it for them."  How far is 10 feet anyways?  What if they're 10.5 feet away?  Do you just screw 'em over and keep on walking so the door closes by the time they get there?

On the other side though, it's freaking weird when someone holds the door for me when I'm still a good distance away.  I mean, am I expected to quicken my pace to get to the door faster?  It's so friggin uncomfortable.

In situations like this, don't stress about it.  If you end up seeming like a dick, forget it.  Let them open the damn door.  This is Massachusetts, people.  We don't expect courteousness and we don't dish it out.

- Major

Thanks For The Ring, Perk

Before I begin my rant/trip down memory lane about Kendrick Perkins, everyone should be aware that I am a die-hard Boston sports fan.  Bill Simmons' illegitimate child let's say.  Above all else, I am a Celtics fan.  I bleed green.

You can only imagine my first reaction to hearing about the Perk/Nate for Green/Krstic trade that went down just before the trade deadline yesterday afternoon.  I was freaking heartbroken.  I grew up with Perk. For the last eight years I've watched Perk grow from a reckless player straight out of high school into the final piece of the Celtic puzzle: The fifth starter on the lineup that brought pride back to Boston basketball.  He brought heart, emotion, and toughness to the team, stepping into the role as "The Enforcer."  And he played that role pretty god damn well.

Can some balding Serbian dude fill his shoes? Doubtful.  No one can replace Perk.

Even though many were plotting Danny Ainge's death in various ways last night, I have come to an understanding about his decision.  He's not a lunatic after all.  He's thinking about the future of the team.  The future of one of the oldest teams in the league.  The future of a team who needs to find players to carry on the tradition that the "Big Three" continued when they came together in the summer of 2007.  Jeff Green is a talented player, and he can come in for Pierce and be much more of a threat than Daniels ever was.  Also, he can bring some solid defense to the lineup, an attribute of this team that was filled by James Posey in '08 and Tony Allen the following years.

I'll miss Nate too, but he I can live without.  He brought energy to the team, sure, but man was he freaking inconsistent.

This team will survive.  It's tough hearing about the players taking the news about Perk hard.  But that's why I love this team.  Because they are a team.  They're not just teammates, they're brothers.  You think LeBron would be crying over seeing Bosh leave Miami?  Not for a second.  He'd probably get all fired up for the chance to score more and give himself some more ego boosts.  Lebron: What should you do? Stop being an arrogant ass.  But I digress...

I'll miss you Perk.  Everyone in Boston will miss you, but we wish you luck in Oklahoma City.

Thanks for the ring.

-The Major

Random 90's Athlete of the Day: Jeff Bagwell

Wikipedia lists Jeff Bagwell’s nickname as "BagPipes".  Now I hate to go against the site that basically put me through high school, but for once I’m calling Wikipedia out. I mean has anyone ever called him BagPipes. That’s pretty lame. I mean did pitchers not throw inside to Bagwell because they didn’t want him to charge the mound in his kilt and beat their brains in with an outdated woodwind instrument?  


His nickname should clearly be Jeff Swagwell. This guy just oozes swag. Look at his batting stance. He basically told Tom Emanski and his back to back to back AAU National Championships to back off when it comes to prototypical batting stances. Swagwell dominated the National League in the 90’s alongside arguably the scrappiest player of all time, Craig Biggio. I miss waking up before school, turning on Sportscenter, and watching Swag absolutely tattoo a ball out of the Astro Dome. 




-The HoundDog

Classic Movie Moment - Samuel L. Jackson at his Finest

This is one of the absolute best TV-edits of a movie ever.  I remember watching this on TV, completely unaware that they edited it.  I was pumped for Jackson's classic line, and then BAM: "I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!"  What?? Monkey-Fighting?  Snakes don't fight monkeys.  This isn't freaking Anaconda.  Shit just doesn't happen.  Also: planes fly on weekends, just pointing that out.

And that's what makes this edit so spectacular.  It makes absolutely no sense.  But since it comes from the mouth of one of Hollywood's most emblematic actors, no one cares.  It's the same reason why Jackson can call up George Lucas, tell him he wants in on the next Star Wars, and not only does he get his wish, but requests a purple lightsaber and an epic death.  He's such a boss.



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Cut the Crap #1 - Texting Slash Grammar Issues

Some shit just really bugs me.  I can let a lot of things go, but some stuff just really pets my peeve.  I get a text message the other day from this girl I know after I asked her what's up.  This is what she replies: "Not too much, just really stressed slash busy doing work."  Hold up.  Did she just write out "slash"?  Is she serious?  "Slash" is a symbol, right?  It should be "Not too much, just really stressed/busy doing work."  It just doesn't make any sense to me.  It takes more effort to write out a word than to put one friggin' symbol in a text, right?

Our parents and teachers judge our generation for all the texting we do every day.  Don't help them out slash fuel their fire.

Cut the crap people.

The Punny Side of Life

Puns are hands down the funniest type of joke out there.  Nothing else even comes close to it.  The other day my friend and I went on an absolute pun rampage after dinner.  I'm talking about multiple back and forth texts filled with puns.  And get this.  They weren't just any type of puns, they were fish puns.  That's right, we were making puns about freaking minnows and shit.  Just for the halibut.

I'm not really sure when I came to this realization about the awesomeness of puns.  Maybe it's a college thing.  Somehow using wordplay makes us college kids feel smarter.  They make us feel like the $53,000+ that we spend a year on an education is actually worth it.

Should I be upset about this new pun-filled world that I live in?  Is it bad that I try to think of puns during every situation I come across?  Probably.  Actually, definitely.

I mean, shit...I just christened this new blog with a post about puns?

Oh my cod, I need to stop now.